


i know where i begin

by biochemprincess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Pre - Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5528414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being left in the desert wasn't her first memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i know where i begin

  

-

 

Being left in the desert wasn't her first memory.

In the years that followed her abandonment she did everything in her power to make sure it would never be. She tried to remember the before, fragments of a life not spent alone.

The most prominent memory was a soft cool breeze, nothing like the hot desert wind on Jakku. It would chill her skin on the worst of days, always combined with the smell of wet earth and salt. Water tickled between her toes and if she concentrated hard enough she could even see the waves.

Sometimes there was a kind voice, but she could never make out any words they spoke. Gentle hands braiding her hair. Kisses to her forehead. She remembered stories, about a brave princess saving the galaxy. She remembered how she wanted those stories to be true.

She remembered wanting to be like this princess, as strong and fearless.

All of these pieces were fuzzy at best and the longer she spent alone, the more she lost.

 

-

 

In the first weeks, months, she thought of it as a trial. Maybe it was a test, to prove herself to be worthy. Maybe they'd come back for her, tell her she passed, that everything would be alright now.

So she tried to pass the test, tried to survive.

She fought her way through the desert.

She marked every day until their return.

 

-

 

They never came for her.

Rey kept waiting anyway.

 

-

 

She loved to count the stars.

She didn't know their names, their stories, but she found comfort in their existence. There were so many of them, a sea of stars, and it made her feel less lonely.

Rey knew her parents were out there, somewhere, among all these stars. Just like she knew they'd find her one day. She had to hold onto it, the glimmer of hope in her heart, or she'd lose herself.

In a cargo container, she found an old flight uniform. It took her two days, but she managed to make a doll out of it. Rey named it after herself and carried it with her wherever she went. They went hunting together and they watched the stars together. 

At night she'd raise the doll up to the sky, let her jump from one star to another, creating imaginary lines between them. She imagined the adventures they'd have there, how they must look from up close.

Rey knew that one day she'd see them up close.

She'd pilot a ship among the stars, she was sure.

Sometimes, in those eerily quiet nights with only the stars and her silent doll to keep her company, she could hear a man's voice telling her to be brave.

Telling her he loved her.

Telling her he was sorry.

Rey was pretty sure it was all in her head.

Still, she listened to the voice.

 

-

 

Unlike other people Rey met, she didn't hate the sand. Somebody - her parents, her mother? - had once shown her how to wrap textiles around her body, to shield her from the worst. And it worked.

The sand was everywhere. In her hair, under her clothes, beneath her fingernails. But Rey didn't care about it. She preferred the warmth of the sand over the cold anytime.

The only two place she didn't want it, were her boots and her precious metal. Unkar Plutt didn't pay well for dirty goods. It took forever to scrap it off and the task always left her fingers sore and - more often than not - bleeding.

Okay, maybe she did hate the sand a little. But only because Jakku had an awful lot of it. Nothing but sand.

The sandstorms were worse.

The hot sand grains would hit her skin with full force and you couldn't even see your hand in front of your face. It was so easy to get lost inside it. Most times she could sense the oncoming storm before it reached her, always in time to find shelter. If she didn't make it, she sat down, and waited until the storm passed. But she always went out to gather items, it was her job.

One of Unkar's nicer helpmates called her 'sand warrior' for this very reason.

Rey smiled.

 

-

 

Over the years, Rey changed.

She grew, though she was never big or tall or intimidating. She still dressed like she had been taught all those years ago, because it was convenient, because it was one of the last ties to her past.  

She learned how to defend herself. Scavengers were not honorable or else they wouldn't be scavengers. She had learned very early to fight for what she wanted. They not always respected her, but none of them ever stole from her if they knew what was good for them. (With the one exception that one time, but they did pay for it.)

The men started looking at her differently, but nobody ever dared to touch her. She broke the arm of the first and the nose of the other who tried it and from then on they kept their distance.

They whispered secretly about her, how a small girl like her had so much power and life inside her. But she had always been the main topic of their gossip. The girl left alone. The girl without parents. The scavenger girl.

But Rey didn't care.

Let them talk.

 

-

 

From time to time, the street merchants or some scavengers took pity on her. They'd give her small pieces of scrap metal to sell or food rations they could go without. They'd look at her, the thin excuse of a girl 

She hated it.

She didn't want their sympathy, didn't want to be seen as weak.

Rey knew she could survive anywhere, her parents wouldn't have put her here, if they didn't believe in her.

But usually the gnawing hunger in her stomach was too much to bare and she gratefully took what they offered, kicking her pride with her feet.

Survival was more important than pride, she told herself over and over again.

It still felt like a battle lost.

But all of it didn't matter as long as she survived her very own war.

 

-

 

One memorable day, a woman draped in the most beautiful garments visited the market. Rey watched from afar, afraid she might only be a mirage. Her gown shone under the unavoidable sun, but she moved with a grace long lost on this planet.

The woman hid her face behind fabric, but the others seemed to recognize her regardless. A seer, they called her, voices laced with wonder and reservation. They didn't trust her, but were too afraid to ask her to leave.

Rey couldn't understand why. Didn't they want to know their future? She'd give a lot to know when her parents would come back for her. But her own wish was merely a dream - she didn't have any money and if she did she wouldn't throw it at a seer.

It wasn't practical to waste food rations on something as silly.

She took her three food rations - it had been a remarkable good day for her - and made her way back home. When she had just left behind the market, she noticed that somebody followed her.

Rey turned around, to find the woman standing right behind her.

"Hello Rey."

Too surprised to answer right away, she almost dropped her rations. "How do you know my name?"

The woman's eyes, her only visible body part,sparkled and Rey imagined that she must smile.

"I know many things, girl. I have a gift for you. Here." She extended her hand, previously hid behind her back. In her palm she held a small cup, a red flower growing from the soil in it. Its red petals were as thin as paper. "Take care of it."

Rey inspected it, smelled its faint smell. It looked tiny and fragile.

"But it will die. The desert is no place for a beautiful flower."

"Oh young girl, the tiniest beings are usually the most resilient." The woman winked at her. "I trust you to care for it and it will flourish. As will you."

She took the flower from her hands and cradled it close to her body. Yes, she would provide for it. 

The nameless woman leaned down, mouth close to her ear, and whispered: "There is light inside your heart. Never let it burn down."

With the flower in her hands, Rey nodded solemnly. This moment seemed important, even if she couldn't pinpoint why. The woman seemed to know her and she wanted to ask her about her parents, but the words didn't leave her mouth, stuck to her tongue unmoved.

"The next time we see each other you'll already have answers to your questions."

And then, in the blink of an eye, she was gone and Rey was alone once more.

Well, she looked down at her flower, not completely alone. 

 

-

 

The seer left the very same night and was never seen again.

 

-

 

But she was right.

The flower lived.

 

-

 

Rarely, when her days were bad and her nights even worse, she shortly stopped hoping. It seemed pointless to believe in something that would never happened. She prided herself on never giving in to her tears, not even in the darkest of nights.

In fact, Rey could count on one hand how often she had cried after she had watched the ship fly away all those years ago.

 

     0. The Day

     1. the day she found the AT - AT and finally had a home

     2. when she hadn't found anything to sell in weeks and the hunger was too much

     3. the day she forgot the colour her mother's eyes

     4. a group of new scavengers stole all of her belongings (she stole it back)

     5. when she broke her wrist in a sand storm

 

There was no point in crying. It was only exhausting her and she was less alert during those times. 

But despite all the logic, all she wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry, until the world stopped being cruel to her. She could not understand, why they had left her. Was she not good enough? Was she not the daughter they had expected? 

Rey never cried.

And she never gave up hoping.

Because she knew, like she knew the sand of Jakku, like she knew the sun rose in the morning and sunk at night, like she knew the stars in the sky, her parents where out there, somewhere and she'd meet them again.

She knew she had to wait and survive.

Rey knew she had to keep her light alive.

 

-

 

Her parents never came for her.

And one day, due to fateful circumstances, Rey - girl - woman - scavenger - daughter - survivor - set forth into the galaxy to find answers on her own.

 

-

 

Being left in the desert was not her first memory.

And it certainly would never be her last.

 

-

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> While I kept everything a little vague, I wrote it with the assumption that Rey is Luke's daughter. Though it fits any other canon either :)  
> And because this is my first fic in a new fandom, please let me know what you think about it. You can also find me @mightyjemma.tumblr.com


End file.
